Thursday, November 18, 2010

Like Dreaming Awake.

I cannot sleep and have not slept normally in a long while. At first it began with sleeping all night and then all the day, then I started sleeping less and less in length and more in multiple naps. This is where I am now.

I simply nap for a few hours and wake up no more rested than when I laid down. Add to this that I now have nightmares and strange dreams whenever I fall asleep, it's become nearly impossible to get any sort of restful slumber whatsoever. It feels much like dreaming awake. I don't ever really feel like I slept, so the world has become a pseudo-reality to me, trapping my mind in a suffocating insomniac state.

I would love just for one night to be able to sleep for ten hours, instead of two then four then three. It would be a gift beyond any amount of cash or gold.

When you spend your time praying for sleep and not to strike it rich, it's a sad state.

I live in that place- Tired, USA.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Cold Shoulder Seethe.

As a child my mother and I were very close. She was a loving and happy person, full of life. She is now a ghost of who she once was. She suffers from many Lyme-related symptoms but nothing has been done. I miss her. The person that resides within is no longer the person I knew. Lyme has destroyed my family and left a decaying house where joy once lived. I have tried for many months to encourage my mother to get tested for Lyme and seek treatment. This request has been denied over and over. However, recently she finally agreed and she went to see her primary care doctor. This being the same doctor that is so very supportive and understanding of my diagnosis, but I guess the war never changes, she was rebuked upon asking for a Lyme test and asked the same tired questions:  

"Do you feel sick?"  
"Are any of your symptoms new?"  
"Did you ever notice a rash?"  
"Do you really think you have Lyme or just want to know?" 

As if any of this matters, really! It hurt me to see someone I have a great deal of respect for fall into the same line of ignorance displayed by those still deeply critical of Lyme Disease as a serious illness. It is a disgrace. I fear for my mother. I've watched her deteriorate over the years, slowly becoming a shadow of herself. This too has been my story. It seems in many ways to be our punishment for a heresy that is not our own- to watch ourselves decay while our critics dig mass graves to bury their lies. Our personal tragedies the culmination of political betrayal. 

How many lives is it going to take? How many of us have to become bedridden, debilitated, disabled, paralyzed? How many families have to be destroyed before someone listens? IDSA, CDC, Washington:
How many of us have to die before the blood on your hands becomes too much to ignore?