The past two days have been a struggle. I have been completely emotionally unhinged- the weight of watching myself disappear amid a list of symptoms and pill bottles finally got to me and I could no longer skip along merrily wearing my "sunshine face".
Its a freak-show that I can be so strong and yet so fragile at the same time. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired, of waiting rooms and uncomfortable explanations, of being defined by a disease and not as a person.
Where do I belong in this mess of paperwork and protocols? Where has the me in me gone and when will I be back?
They say not to dwell on what you cannot do, instead to rejoice in what you are still capable of. Sounds great on paper, but feels a lot more like bullshit while your bearing witness to yourself fragmenting into a stranger. The experts claim that supposedly we all go through the "5 Steps of Grieving" during traumatic situations, but I no longer believe this is true. I think it always is a mixture of the entire spectrum.
On any given day, especially when reminded of my losses I often will feel deep grief and attempt to cope, sometimes resulting in an empowering moment of strength and on other occasions, total sadness. It's the function of living, the human experience, uncensored and unedited. It's not the kind of crap you see in the movies, it's raw humanity, at it's most brilliant and devastating.